by Fareen Jamal
“What separates those who can obtain a smart divorce from those who can’t is this quality of being prepared to move on. They’ve done their mourning, to the extent that mourning is involved. And they have come to recognize that they are not victims. ‘This is what life has to offer. So let’s move on.”
~ Jeffery Wilson, cited in Deborah Moskovitch, The Smart Divorce, (Chicago: Chicago Review Press, 2007).
Often, couples fail to properly address their grief following the breakdown of their relationship and the loss of their marriage. The grief of losing a life shared, your identity as a couple, your security and even your beliefs If you fail to come to terms with the fact that you are divorcing emotionally from life as you know it, the legal process of divorce can become almost impossible. I have had many a file where the parties’ inability to let go of their anger blinded them from noticing the damage their decades of litigation had on their children and personal lives. They were going through the legal divorce failing to address their emotional divorce.
Failure to identify this grief and to deal with it constructively can result in a long, arduous and expensive legal process.
Arnold Schwarzenegger comments on the emotional impact of his divorce from Maria Shriver, after he fathered a love child with the couple’s housekeeper, in his upcoming book, Total Recall: My Unbelievable True Life Story. The New York Daily News revealed that Mr. Schwarzenegger continues to believe that he is in denial and still hopes for a reconciliation with Ms. Shriver.
Divorcing couples must acknowledge that a divorce can divide assets and liabilities, and arrange for child or spousal support but it cannot punish your spouse for his or her bad behaviour during or after the marriage. It cannot guarantee that your support payments will be made or that access schedules will be smooth and problem-free. It cannot make your spouse change, nor will it return your life to the way it was.
Collaborative family lawyers recognize and address the grief. Perhaps you need to give yourself a period of mourning. Then focus on how you want your life to look. Create a strong support network and recognize that you are not alone. Professional help through parenting experts, financial specialists and therapists can also help regain control of your life. Collaborative family lawyers routinely draw on other experts to assist in the process.
As you deal with your grief, it will become easier to make legal decisions that are in your best interest. Divorce with dignity, and move on. And find a process that will support you in doing so.
Fareen Jamal
Bales Beall LLP
2501-1 Adelaide Street East
Toronto, ON
M5C 2V9
Tel: 416-203-4538
Fax: 416-203-8592
fjamal@balesbeall.com