Collaborative Family Law: A Safe Place to Have Difficult Conversations

by Fareen Jamal

I read an interesting account of one woman’s experience with her divorce, (in Hann McDonough and Christina Bartha, Putting Children First, University of Toronto Press, 1999) and reproduce it here:

“The Blaming Hamster”

During our marriage we were like two hamsters on a wheel. We ran furiously, going nowhere, hating our lives and unable to change.

I couldn’t change because he wouldn’t. So it was his fault. I was trying and he wasn’t. It could not be my fault, he was to blame.

Eventually, I couldn’t stand it. I jumped off the wheel, left the cage, and took my sons with me. There on the outside I discovered another wheel. Beside it was one for him. We took up residence on our respective wheels. The boys had to dance on the top of the wheels while we continued our war with each other. Although I never returned to the marriage, I lived out a slightly altered version of it. That too was his fault. I could not get on with my life because of him. He would do something, I would latch onto it, using his actions to justify my own.

It took years of this craziness before I saw what it was doing to us. For years I watched my sons bounce back and forth, trying to please us, and paying such a price. One day, way too late, I admitted that I, as well as their father, was damaging them. I realized I could only change myself. I could not change him. Then, to my horror, I noticed that our sons had spun out of control. While we were fighting, they had slowly become delinquent, and we had not even noticed.

The hamster caught on the treadmill captures the experience of several parents caught in these conflicts. Both parents feel that they have no choice, that they are forced by the other parent’s behaviour to fight.

Some parents fight to ward off the pain of grieving. They would rather be mad than sad, and the fighting distracts them from pain. Postponing the grieving however, may increase your problems.

The only way out is to invest in what you can control: yourself and your behaviour. Focus on what you can change. The only one you can control is yourself.

The legal system escalates your conflict. The adversarial nature of the system polarizes problems. The win/lose, right/wrong approach may work in criminal issues, but as I blogged on December 19, 2011, this is not appropriate for family matters.

Stay in charge of the systems you consult, and whose services you employ. They are there to serve you, not to rule you. Always inquire about their philosophy and orientation.

Collaborative Family Law is a voluntary, safe, confidential process to resolve your matrimonial disputes, with a written agreement not to litigate. Collaborative Family lawyers focus on interests not positions, and may use neutral and impartial professionals, such as a financial advisor and/or a child specialist, to assist. Conflict, tension and emotion are not ignored by Collaborative Family lawyers. It is a safe place to have difficult conversations.