Tag Archive: Anger

1. Moving On…

   February 19, 2013 2:57 pm Leave a Comment

   

   By Marie Nickle

   We have to accept, as Collaborative Professionals, that the Collaborative process is not a panacea.  There are many individuals who simply just want to remain in conflict and all the helping to communicate and constructive problem solving we, as conflict resolution experts, can muster will not work.  There is one simple condition needed to assess whether the Collaborative Process is fitting for the case and that is whether the parties are ready to move on from the conflict.  Simple, in that this is the one condition needed, yet not so simple to ascertain.  Of course, most will say they are ready to move on, but behaviour will dictate otherwise.  Absent influence, intimidation, and so on, a party’s readiness to be objectively reasonable is the indicator as to whether that party is ready to move on from the conflict. As lawyers advising our clients, it is as equally important to direct our clients correctly on process, as on the substantive legal issues. If the Collaborative process is the right process, then the client needs to know.  However, the client also needs to know if it is not.  Regardless, due to the last twenty years of sweeping ADR (Alternative Dispute Resolution) trends, lawyers need to be apprised of what is out there so they are in a position to properly advise and be responsive to their clients’ needs.  This has resulted with more up-front work needed by the lawyer with the client.  This simply forms part of the new way to practice law, and in particular, Family Law.  If done well, the lawyer will understand whether the client is truly ready to move on…or not.

   Marie Nickle is a lawyer and mediator.  She also trains lawyers and other professionals in the Collaborative Process of Dispute Resolution.

   Marie B. NickleThe Galleria 204-1715 Lakeshore Rd. West Mississauga, Ontario L5J 1J6

   Profession: Family Law Lawyer, Mediator, Collaborative Trainer Tel: 905-823-1232 Fax: 905-823-7104 mariebnickle@bellnet.ca www.mbnlegalresolutions.com

2. The Emotional Divorce

   October 3, 2012 11:13 am Leave a Comment

   by Fareen Jamal

   “What separates those who can obtain a smart divorce from those who can’t is this quality of being prepared to move on. They’ve done their mourning, to the extent that mourning is involved. And they have come to recognize that they are not victims. ‘This is what life has to offer. So let’s move on.”

   ~ Jeffery Wilson, cited in Deborah Moskovitch, The Smart Divorce, (Chicago: Chicago Review Press, 2007).

   Often, couples fail to properly address their grief following the breakdown of their relationship and the loss of their marriage. The grief of losing a life shared, your identity as a couple, your security and even your beliefs  If you fail to come to terms with the fact that you are divorcing emotionally from life as you know it, the legal process of divorce can become almost impossible. I have had many a file where the parties’ inability to let go of their anger blinded them from noticing the damage their decades of litigation had on their children and personal lives. They were going through the legal divorce failing to address their emotional divorce.

   Failure to identify this grief and to deal with it constructively can result in a long, arduous and expensive legal process.

   Arnold Schwarzenegger comments on the emotional impact of his divorce from Maria Shriver, after he fathered a love child with the couple’s housekeeper, in his upcoming book, Total Recall: My Unbelievable True Life Story. The New York Daily News revealed that Mr. Schwarzenegger continues to believe that he is in denial and still hopes for a reconciliation with Ms. Shriver.

   Divorcing couples must acknowledge that a divorce can divide assets and liabilities, and arrange for child or spousal support but it cannot punish your spouse for his or her bad behaviour during or after the marriage. It cannot guarantee that your support payments will be made or that access schedules will be smooth and problem-free. It cannot make your spouse change, nor will it return your life to the way it was.

   Collaborative family lawyers recognize and address the grief. Perhaps you need to give yourself a period of mourning. Then focus on how you want your life to look. Create a strong support network and recognize that you are not alone. Professional help through parenting experts, financial specialists and therapists can also help regain control of your life. Collaborative family lawyers routinely draw on other experts to assist in the process.

   As you deal with your grief, it will become easier to make legal decisions that are in your best interest. Divorce with dignity, and move on. And find a process that will support you in doing so.

   Fareen Jamal
   Bales Beall LLP
   2501-1 Adelaide Street East
   Toronto, ON
   M5C 2V9

   Tel:  416-203-4538
   Fax: 416-203-8592
   fjamal@balesbeall.com

    

3. ANGER!

   March 16, 2012 2:39 pm Leave a Comment

   By Beverley Martel

   The Collaborative Process is based on full disclosure and mutual respect. Parties and their lawyers sign a Participation Agreement acknowledging that written and oral communication between the parties will be respectful and constructive. At the first meeting the lawyers will discuss “rules of conduct” such as politeness, no interrupting, no name calling and others.

   A collaborative four way meeting, attended by the parties and their lawyers, is seen as a “safe” place to negotiate a Separation Agreement. But what about the angry souse? Is there a place for anger at the collaborative table? How do parties negotiate in a civil manner when one or both of the parties is openly hostile?

   Many couples who are “separated” continue to live under the same roof, usually for financial reasons. Until the issues of support and division of property are resolved it may be impossible for one or both to purchase (or rent) separate accommodation. The laws of Canada recognize that a married couple may be living under the same roof and still meet the criteria of living separate and apart that allows them to seek relief under the Divorce Act or applicable provincial legislation (in Ontario, the Family Law Act).

   Obviously, where there has been a breach of trust, especially in cases of infidelity, living under the same roof is stressful. Tempers flare, in the home and at the collaborative table.

   Counsel can help the parties handle their emotions and can “model” civil, respectful communication. Coaches can be employed to assist either or both parties to deal with hostility. A third party neutral or facilitator can help everyone move past the anger that may be impeding communication and thwarting potential settlement.

   Regardless of their social or financial status people in the midst of a relationship are emotional, sometimes overtly hostile toward one another. Mel Gibson made headlines when his telephone calls to his estranged girlfriend were made public. Going to court does little to calm the waters. In fact, the pleadings served on the other party and filed with the court may inflame an already volatile “relationship.” Angry litigants sit on opposite sides of the courtroom with their respective lawyers between them. There is little if no opportunity for facilitated conversation between these litigants. And if they cannot communicate directly there is little hope of dispersing the anger and moving towards resolution.

   The lawyers in a collaborative file will strive to overcome the anger, not feed it, and may call on other professionals, such as social workers, to assist. This “Team Approach” is one of the benefits of the collaborative process. Obviously if there are real threats to the emotional or physical safety of one of the parties the collaborative model is not appropriate. If evidence of violence or threats of violence emerge during the process it may be necessary to terminate. However, where the hurt and resentment of one or both parties boils over into anger, the process and the players (including lawyers, mediators, coaches or mental health professionals) has much to offer.

   Beverley A. Martel, B.A., LL.B., LL.M.(in ADR)
   Barrister & Solicitor, Mediator, Collaborative Practitioner
   Past President, current Director Peel Law Association
   Director Ontario Deputy Judges Association

   Weir Nakon
   1290 Central Parkway West, Suite 710,
   Mississauga, ON L5C 4R3
   Phone (905)279-7930 (223) Email: bmartel@weirnakon.com